Alone

Did you ever feel completely and totally alone? Did you ever want to just cry out to the sky until you were hoarse and had no voice left? Did you ever know something so sad & terrible that you didn't even know how to manage holding the thoughts in your head because you thought if you did you'd die? I've been there. It's an emptiness that is inexplainable.
Sometimes wives of men in the pastorate have to deal with feelings & emotions all alone in the emptiness. There's an emptiness in space. Sometimes the quiet peace of space (I'm talking way-out-there-Milky-Way kind of space) is calming to my mind. Out there - there is no pain, tears & terrible things.

Even though I sometimes feel that way ~ I am reminded that I am never alone. That is why Jesus left this earth through the most painful death there is...so I would not have to be alone. He departed so that there could be a Comforter come.

"Come and dwell within me, O Great Comforter. ~ Come and help me deal with the pain."

Pastor's wives, you are not alone. You too have the Comforter. Hold on to Him when times get tough...like I do. Wives, husbands, teens, little children, collegiates...this is the same Comforter that you can lean on, too.

I am reminded of a song that's playing over & over in my head lately...

I need you Jesus
to come to my rescue
where else can I go
there's no other name
for which I am saved
capture me with grace
I will follow you.

(Artist: Newsong)

"...DO NOT BE GRIEVED, FOR THE JOY OF THE LORD IS YOUR STRENGTH." (Nehemiah 8:10)

keep the faith, sweet friend.
~karen

Toasted & Torn

Michael touched down in Kansas, heading home from Kenya, as I worked on staff at a bereavement camp. He arrived home around 3am - unpacked a little, unwound a little - then off to bed...only to rise about 6am and get ready to lead church (Sunday school & the sermon). Coming off of a 27-hour/3 flight trip plus 4-5 hour car ride just to get home...he was toasted. And I was...torn. I knew being a part of the camp was important. I'd worked on staff at the camp two years ago...couldn't work last year b/c my sweet Jordan (18yr old in TX) had her homecoming game as a senior on the varsity cheer squad - and 'mom' wasn't missing it for anything! So here I was another year later and back at camp for the weekend. Most of my heart was left at home - anticipating the arrival of my 'warrior' home from Africa. I decided to clean the house as best I could - borrowing the super-sucking vacuumn cleaner from the church, making beds & cleaning the kitchen. Heck, I even dusted half of the shelves in the living room (something I think I've not done in maybe a year)!
I'd left decorated acorn cookies labeled with a tiny message 'Welcome Home' on the counter for my honey - along with a brief message scribbled on yellow legal pad paper. I was guilt ridden about being at camp - yet torn because it was a ministry I was involved in. I hoped I could shake the guilt and just be a helper for those grieving the loss of a loved one. Never in a million years did I think I would leave the campsite taking more home than I came with. God spoke such sweetness to me over the weekend. Some of which came through the words of my husband with a phone call mid-way through the camp. He said he knew where my heart was - with him, now at home. That I was being Christ-like and needed to move my attention to the campers in helping them grieve...and we'd be together soon enough.
...boy was that a L-O-N-G ride home (which was only a 35 mile trip).

ALL THINGS COME TOGETHER FOR GOOD, FOR THOSE WHO LOVE GOD AND ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE. (Romans 8:28)

keep the faith, sweet friend.
~karen