The Investigation...

Ok...so last night I started a reflective look into myself. I've never been one that's good with relationships - and realize I'm probably old enough now to get down to business & figure it out. Looking back into my past may prove to be a little unnerving - but I want to be a better person for my family - my husband, my children, my parents, my sister...all those whom I love.
So here goes...
I ran from relationships when I was little. I was constantly busy growing up - dance lessons, baton lessons, voice lessons, drama group, rehearsals...the list was exhaustive & endless. It was the best of times - it was the worst of times. (I will FOREVER be grateful to my wonderful parents who allowed me to do all the things i loved growing up. Heck, they carpooled me everywhere!) While I absolutely LOVED all the creative activities I was involved in...it also gave me a great opportunity to hide behind masks. This was something I became VERY good at. And I probably have some traces of this character flaw still buried deep within. I've also learned it was a way to hide any pain that I might be experiencing. Ok, I'll be transparent. Yes, there was pain within the four walls of my childhood home. (I'm not sure there's anyone out there who could honestly say there was no painful experiences in their homes while growing up.) I've decided there IS NO SUCH THING as a functional family. We are ALL dysfunctional - We have ALL SINNED and fall short of the glory of God. And better still - God loves us JUST THE WAY WE ARE. I heard something just this past weekend...it was a reminder of something I'd heard long ago...and God needed me to hear it again...let it seep into my bones deeply. God doesn't see the ugly, dirty, sin-filled 'me' when He looks upon me. HE sees the ONE who took my place (Jesus)...the PERFECT one, my REDEEMER. And this is all because Jesus took on my filth/sin at the cross & in exchange He freely gave me His unblemished record. Wow. Mind-boggling, isn't it?!

I will continue my investigation on yet another day...

FEAR NOT, FOR I(GOD) HAVE REDEEMED YOU(enter your name here); I(GOD) HAVE CALLED YOU BY YOUR NAME; YOU ARE MINE(GOD). (Isaiah 43:1)

keep the faith, dear friend.
~karen

Day 2

Good-morning to all,

A friend/neighbor from my days in southwest TX once said she lived in a fishbowl because she had no window treatments on her windows. While I thought that odd then...I've become pretty wise about now. It seems there are many pastor's wives out there who feel their lives are just that - out there for all in the congregation to view. Even though that may sound a little unnerving for some...I also learned a long time ago from the pastor (husband)..it is necessary to live transparently so that those who need the TRUTH can see it in our example. Jesus didn't come to save the perfect...He didn't eat/dwell among the rich & famous (or those that have perfect houses, perfect hair, perfect clothes & perfect children). Trust me, I've been there..striving to be the perfect wife, mom, teacher/librarian, choir member, VBS director...the list goes on & on. Only when I was 38 years old, on my knees, in a failed marriage with two elementary-aged children, lost & alone..feeling like a failure as a human being did I realize I could never acheive perfection..and it didn't matter because my Redeemer loved me no matter what I'd done, how I looked or what was in my bank account. Wow..that was pretty powerful for me. I didn't have to 'look the part' anymore. Funny thing was - I'd lived a lie for so long..I didn't even know who I was. A very dear & trusted Pastor at that time gave me wisdom beyond measure. He said, "Go, find out who you are in Christ. Only then will you know y-o-u and true LOVE."

If you were/are like me ~ lost & alone trying to acheive perfection by our human standard..and feeling like a total failure...I implore you...look for Him. He's there..and waiting with a total love you'll NEVER find on earth. I found it...late one rainy night..in a little apartment in Austin, TX..at precisely 12:34am. (But that's another story for some other day.)

I HAVE BEEN CRUCIFIED WITH CHRIST; AND IT IS NO LONGER I WHO LIVE, BUT CHRIST LIVES IN ME; AND THE LIFE WHICH I NOW LIVE IN THE FLESH I LIVE BY FAITH IN THE SON OF GOD, WHO LOVED ME AND GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR ME. (Galatians 2:20)

Keep the faith, dear friend.
~love, karen

Day 1

So much for the creative title of my very first posting here. I am almost 50...a mother of seven (blended family..he had four...I had two...together we had one)...and a Pastor's wife.

I can remember l-o-n-g ago, as a little girl, wanting so badly to one day become a pastor's wife. It must have started with one of my best friends, Lolly. She was the last daughter of three girls to our minister at church. Her family was the epitome of happiness. Lolly's mom could do anything! All of the girls in our neighborhood wanted to have her as a mom, live with her mom...and one day become like...her mom. "J" made clothes for her girls, cooked & baked the most AMAZING meals, cookies, pies. She had a tiny closet space underneath the staircase where her sweet little sewing machine was neatly tucked away. I can recall seeing her sitting & sewing a new outfit for Lolly or one of her older sisters...and longing for her to make one for me. She even made special 'slings' when Lolly fell from a treehouse & broke both of her arms...they matched her clothes! I can remember even wanting to break an arm - just to have a special-made sling!!! (How silly is that?)

(Please don't get me wrong - I have a wonderful mom. She is a gifted seamstress too, who (like "J") could see it today & copy it for me to wear by tomorrow. I love my mom - she means the world to me. But my childhood - like EVERYONE else I've learned as an adult - was in no way perfect.)

A reality that has come to me as an adult...even for pastor's wives...life is imperfect..and there's never going to be perfection & true happiness until our Savior, Jesus Christ returns in His Glory to take us home where we belong.

***One thing I promise to do in this blog is be perfectly transparent & honest...even if it means exposing parts of me that may be hard to write. That is one thing my husband, the pastor, has taught me as a "PW"...that through my transparency I may make the difference for someone out there who needs the love of Christ. Michael (the pastor/husband) is VERY transparent - and we've had more than one person explain that our open hearts laid bare before them along with our honesty have helped them beyond measure.
It is not my intent to harm/hurt anyone that I love - so the transparency will be completely about me & my life.***

So - that's it...my first blog about living my life as a Pastor's Wife. I hope you'll return again...and even better, I hope you'll write me. I'd like the opportunity to meet you, learn a little about you...share in your journey, as you share with me in mine. I'll pray for you, too..just ask.

AND WE KNOW THAT GOD CAUSES EVERYTHING TO WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE GOD AND ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE. ~Romans 8:28

Keep the faith, dear friend.
~love, karen