Well...I've got a 'whopper' of a confession. I got a REALLY big dose of sugar-sweetness this morning as I read some bio's of females that have (probably) highly successful blogs. Don't get me wrong - I'm so happy they are reaching out and helping many with their words. What rubs me is the "sugary-ness" that most of these women have near-perfect lives...they've married their high-school sweetheart, they have at least 3 kids, almost all of them homeschool their children (which I truly commend them for this, as I tried, loved it...but life happens and it was necessary for me to return to work)...they have time to blog beautiful posts as well as keep immaculate houses. Well, I'm left sitting here feeling like such a failure. I can't compete with that. My high-school sweetheart and I divorced just two weeks shy of our fifteenth wedding anniversary - both of us broken and lost...we didn't have an opportunity to homeschool...and don't get me started on my housekeeping/cooking skills. My husband now, who is a wonderful/gifted pastor, whom I adore - just last night commented about my inabilities to keep a clean house or cook an entire meal...at least one that doesn't consist of a box, dry noodles, milk and packet of sauce/spices and some ground hamburger meat.
So - where do I go from here? I go straight UP...that's where. First, with a confession that I'm probably jealous of these near-perfect women...and second, to ask God to continue blessing each one of them with the ministries they've been led into...and third, to thank HIM for making me who I am, because He can still find a way to use this "MESS - called ME" where He's chosen to plant me..right now, at work.
BE JOYFUL ALWAYS; PRAY CONTINUALLY; GIVE THANKS IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCES, FOR THIS IS GOD'S WILL FOR YOU IN CHRIST JESUS. (1 Thessalonians 5:18)
keep the faith, dear friend.
~love, karen
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Day 3
Ok...it's already afternoon and I'm just now 'getting-round-to-it'...today's post. I did manage to read my devotional this morning, once I got to work & opened my desk, cabinets, and put on my beautiful name badge.
Speaking of name badges - has anyone (beside me) ever wrestled with their identity? I think I wrestle daily with it. My pastor (aka: sweet husband) would agree with me. In fact, he's brought that topic to conversation on several occasions just recently. I was considering opening a bakery in our tiny, rural Kansas town. I found myself quite seriously thinking it through - complete with phoning our local attorney, economic developer, and state food regulation rep. Along with it - I prayed, and prayed...and prayed..and asked husband & dear friends to pray, too. I was consistently seeking God's Hand. I know I can do nothing without Him..and anything I attempt to try will fail miserably if it's not in His Plan.
Fast forward a week or so..and pastor/hubby opened a lengthy (and excellent) conversation by asking me, "Now tell me again, why do you want to open a bakery/sandwich shop/coffee shop? What is it you're trying to accomplish?" By God's nudging we were going to talk about Karen's identity ~ or better labeled ~ Karen's "identity crisis."
Husband had me think back to a time when I longed to be 1) a Pastor's Wife and 2) Mother of a third child.
So why, now that I have both, am I still searching for something to fill me up, pump me up, puff me up and make me something else?
'Ouch'...but he was right! God needs me to come to 'heart terms' that I am enough in Him. I don't need to DO anything, BE anything, ACCOMPLISH anything to be LOVED anymore than I already am. HE GAVE IT ALL..and CONTINUES TO LOVE FREELY WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS FROM ME. Lord, teach me to love myself without these quirks...to accept myself & be free from this identity crisis. My identity is in YOU.
I PRAISE YOU BECAUSE I AM FEARFULLY & WONDERFULLY MADE; YOUR WORKS ARE WONDERFUL, I KNOW THAT FULL WELL. (Psalm 139:14)
Keep the faith, dear friend.
~love, karen
Speaking of name badges - has anyone (beside me) ever wrestled with their identity? I think I wrestle daily with it. My pastor (aka: sweet husband) would agree with me. In fact, he's brought that topic to conversation on several occasions just recently. I was considering opening a bakery in our tiny, rural Kansas town. I found myself quite seriously thinking it through - complete with phoning our local attorney, economic developer, and state food regulation rep. Along with it - I prayed, and prayed...and prayed..and asked husband & dear friends to pray, too. I was consistently seeking God's Hand. I know I can do nothing without Him..and anything I attempt to try will fail miserably if it's not in His Plan.
Fast forward a week or so..and pastor/hubby opened a lengthy (and excellent) conversation by asking me, "Now tell me again, why do you want to open a bakery/sandwich shop/coffee shop? What is it you're trying to accomplish?" By God's nudging we were going to talk about Karen's identity ~ or better labeled ~ Karen's "identity crisis."
Husband had me think back to a time when I longed to be 1) a Pastor's Wife and 2) Mother of a third child.
So why, now that I have both, am I still searching for something to fill me up, pump me up, puff me up and make me something else?
'Ouch'...but he was right! God needs me to come to 'heart terms' that I am enough in Him. I don't need to DO anything, BE anything, ACCOMPLISH anything to be LOVED anymore than I already am. HE GAVE IT ALL..and CONTINUES TO LOVE FREELY WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS FROM ME. Lord, teach me to love myself without these quirks...to accept myself & be free from this identity crisis. My identity is in YOU.
I PRAISE YOU BECAUSE I AM FEARFULLY & WONDERFULLY MADE; YOUR WORKS ARE WONDERFUL, I KNOW THAT FULL WELL. (Psalm 139:14)
Keep the faith, dear friend.
~love, karen
Monday, August 23, 2010
Day 2
Good-morning to all,
A friend/neighbor from my days in southwest TX once said she lived in a fishbowl because she had no window treatments on her windows. While I thought that odd then...I've become pretty wise about now. It seems there are many pastor's wives out there who feel their lives are just that - out there for all in the congregation to view. Even though that may sound a little unnerving for some...I also learned a long time ago from the pastor (husband)..it is necessary to live transparently so that those who need the TRUTH can see it in our example. Jesus didn't come to save the perfect...He didn't eat/dwell among the rich & famous (or those that have perfect houses, perfect hair, perfect clothes & perfect children). Trust me, I've been there..striving to be the perfect wife, mom, teacher/librarian, choir member, VBS director...the list goes on & on. Only when I was 38 years old, on my knees, in a failed marriage with two elementary-aged children, lost & alone..feeling like a failure as a human being did I realize I could never acheive perfection..and it didn't matter because my Redeemer loved me no matter what I'd done, how I looked or what was in my bank account. Wow..that was pretty powerful for me. I didn't have to 'look the part' anymore. Funny thing was - I'd lived a lie for so long..I didn't even know who I was. A very dear & trusted Pastor at that time gave me wisdom beyond measure. He said, "Go, find out who you are in Christ. Only then will you know y-o-u and true LOVE."
If you were/are like me ~ lost & alone trying to acheive perfection by our human standard..and feeling like a total failure...I implore you...look for Him. He's there..and waiting with a total love you'll NEVER find on earth. I found it...late one rainy night..in a little apartment in Austin, TX..at precisely 12:34am. (But that's another story for some other day.)
I HAVE BEEN CRUCIFIED WITH CHRIST; AND IT IS NO LONGER I WHO LIVE, BUT CHRIST LIVES IN ME; AND THE LIFE WHICH I NOW LIVE IN THE FLESH I LIVE BY FAITH IN THE SON OF GOD, WHO LOVED ME AND GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR ME. (Galatians 2:20)
Keep the faith, dear friend.
~love, karen
A friend/neighbor from my days in southwest TX once said she lived in a fishbowl because she had no window treatments on her windows. While I thought that odd then...I've become pretty wise about now. It seems there are many pastor's wives out there who feel their lives are just that - out there for all in the congregation to view. Even though that may sound a little unnerving for some...I also learned a long time ago from the pastor (husband)..it is necessary to live transparently so that those who need the TRUTH can see it in our example. Jesus didn't come to save the perfect...He didn't eat/dwell among the rich & famous (or those that have perfect houses, perfect hair, perfect clothes & perfect children). Trust me, I've been there..striving to be the perfect wife, mom, teacher/librarian, choir member, VBS director...the list goes on & on. Only when I was 38 years old, on my knees, in a failed marriage with two elementary-aged children, lost & alone..feeling like a failure as a human being did I realize I could never acheive perfection..and it didn't matter because my Redeemer loved me no matter what I'd done, how I looked or what was in my bank account. Wow..that was pretty powerful for me. I didn't have to 'look the part' anymore. Funny thing was - I'd lived a lie for so long..I didn't even know who I was. A very dear & trusted Pastor at that time gave me wisdom beyond measure. He said, "Go, find out who you are in Christ. Only then will you know y-o-u and true LOVE."
If you were/are like me ~ lost & alone trying to acheive perfection by our human standard..and feeling like a total failure...I implore you...look for Him. He's there..and waiting with a total love you'll NEVER find on earth. I found it...late one rainy night..in a little apartment in Austin, TX..at precisely 12:34am. (But that's another story for some other day.)
I HAVE BEEN CRUCIFIED WITH CHRIST; AND IT IS NO LONGER I WHO LIVE, BUT CHRIST LIVES IN ME; AND THE LIFE WHICH I NOW LIVE IN THE FLESH I LIVE BY FAITH IN THE SON OF GOD, WHO LOVED ME AND GAVE HIMSELF UP FOR ME. (Galatians 2:20)
Keep the faith, dear friend.
~love, karen
Friday, August 20, 2010
Day 1
So much for the creative title of my very first posting here. I am almost 50...a mother of seven (blended family..he had four...I had two...together we had one)...and a Pastor's wife.
I can remember l-o-n-g ago, as a little girl, wanting so badly to one day become a pastor's wife. It must have started with one of my best friends, Lolly. She was the last daughter of three girls to our minister at church. Her family was the epitome of happiness. Lolly's mom could do anything! All of the girls in our neighborhood wanted to have her as a mom, live with her mom...and one day become like...her mom. "J" made clothes for her girls, cooked & baked the most AMAZING meals, cookies, pies. She had a tiny closet space underneath the staircase where her sweet little sewing machine was neatly tucked away. I can recall seeing her sitting & sewing a new outfit for Lolly or one of her older sisters...and longing for her to make one for me. She even made special 'slings' when Lolly fell from a treehouse & broke both of her arms...they matched her clothes! I can remember even wanting to break an arm - just to have a special-made sling!!! (How silly is that?)
(Please don't get me wrong - I have a wonderful mom. She is a gifted seamstress too, who (like "J") could see it today & copy it for me to wear by tomorrow. I love my mom - she means the world to me. But my childhood - like EVERYONE else I've learned as an adult - was in no way perfect.)
A reality that has come to me as an adult...even for pastor's wives...life is imperfect..and there's never going to be perfection & true happiness until our Savior, Jesus Christ returns in His Glory to take us home where we belong.
***One thing I promise to do in this blog is be perfectly transparent & honest...even if it means exposing parts of me that may be hard to write. That is one thing my husband, the pastor, has taught me as a "PW"...that through my transparency I may make the difference for someone out there who needs the love of Christ. Michael (the pastor/husband) is VERY transparent - and we've had more than one person explain that our open hearts laid bare before them along with our honesty have helped them beyond measure.
It is not my intent to harm/hurt anyone that I love - so the transparency will be completely about me & my life.***
So - that's it...my first blog about living my life as a Pastor's Wife. I hope you'll return again...and even better, I hope you'll write me. I'd like the opportunity to meet you, learn a little about you...share in your journey, as you share with me in mine. I'll pray for you, too..just ask.
AND WE KNOW THAT GOD CAUSES EVERYTHING TO WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE GOD AND ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE. ~Romans 8:28
Keep the faith, dear friend.
~love, karen
I can remember l-o-n-g ago, as a little girl, wanting so badly to one day become a pastor's wife. It must have started with one of my best friends, Lolly. She was the last daughter of three girls to our minister at church. Her family was the epitome of happiness. Lolly's mom could do anything! All of the girls in our neighborhood wanted to have her as a mom, live with her mom...and one day become like...her mom. "J" made clothes for her girls, cooked & baked the most AMAZING meals, cookies, pies. She had a tiny closet space underneath the staircase where her sweet little sewing machine was neatly tucked away. I can recall seeing her sitting & sewing a new outfit for Lolly or one of her older sisters...and longing for her to make one for me. She even made special 'slings' when Lolly fell from a treehouse & broke both of her arms...they matched her clothes! I can remember even wanting to break an arm - just to have a special-made sling!!! (How silly is that?)
(Please don't get me wrong - I have a wonderful mom. She is a gifted seamstress too, who (like "J") could see it today & copy it for me to wear by tomorrow. I love my mom - she means the world to me. But my childhood - like EVERYONE else I've learned as an adult - was in no way perfect.)
A reality that has come to me as an adult...even for pastor's wives...life is imperfect..and there's never going to be perfection & true happiness until our Savior, Jesus Christ returns in His Glory to take us home where we belong.
***One thing I promise to do in this blog is be perfectly transparent & honest...even if it means exposing parts of me that may be hard to write. That is one thing my husband, the pastor, has taught me as a "PW"...that through my transparency I may make the difference for someone out there who needs the love of Christ. Michael (the pastor/husband) is VERY transparent - and we've had more than one person explain that our open hearts laid bare before them along with our honesty have helped them beyond measure.
It is not my intent to harm/hurt anyone that I love - so the transparency will be completely about me & my life.***
So - that's it...my first blog about living my life as a Pastor's Wife. I hope you'll return again...and even better, I hope you'll write me. I'd like the opportunity to meet you, learn a little about you...share in your journey, as you share with me in mine. I'll pray for you, too..just ask.
AND WE KNOW THAT GOD CAUSES EVERYTHING TO WORK TOGETHER FOR THE GOOD OF THOSE WHO LOVE GOD AND ARE CALLED ACCORDING TO HIS PURPOSE. ~Romans 8:28
Keep the faith, dear friend.
~love, karen
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